Cath Sheard Art

Author: Catherine Barker-Sheard

  • A stack of journals

    I decided to have a quick count of how many journals I’m using at the moment. It was more than I expected! I’ve got 10 journals on the go, but each one serves a specific purpose.

    I’ve got a weekly diary journal. A small journal we’re recording Tony’s journey in. A 6×6 heavy Kraft journal I’m using to explore colour combinations; there’s something lovely happens to colours when you leave some Kraft showing.

    A huge Dina Wakley journal that has 3 different types of paper – I bought that size by accident. A small Dylusions one I’m doing this year’s Creative Jump Start in; CJS2021 was in January and February but with Tony’s health I’m doing it slowly this year.

    I’ve always got a basic Dylusions and Dina Wakley journal on the go because they are where I play just for the fun of it, but also where I “download my head”.

    My current stash of journals
    Some of what I’m using my journals for at the moment.
    This is what I’ve been playing with today.

  • If you can’t say it

    What cannot be said will be wept. Attributed to Sappho.

    If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint. Edward Hopper.

    Every work of art stems from a wound in the soul of the artist. Ted Hughes.

    These quotes speak to me to my soul. I paint because it’s good for me and because I can say in my art journals the things I have no words for – or the words I can’t speak. Words are tricky things for me. I can talk a good talk (to quote Shane Koyczan) but there are topics I can’t verbalise on, and words I just can’t say. A lot of addicts are the same; it’s our old foe, shame!

    I read poetry, and sometimes use it in my art. Of course what we take from poetry is subjective too. What I read and feel, and what someone else takes from it might be quite different.

    It’s the same with art, and journal pages. The meaning might be clear to me – or not – but it’s up to the viewer to find their own meaning in it. Even when the meaning is unclear, making art and sharing it is always an act of putting your soul on display. And, for some of us anyway, our pain…

    At the Legato Exhibition in Italy, 2010, with the NZ Ambassador.

  • Lean in

    A few years ago I read “Lean in” by Sheryl Sandberg , Chief Operating Officer of Facebook. I don’t agree with everything in the book, but the concept of leaning in has its uses. Last night I wrote about my struggle to set a new routine.

    Today I’ve realised I can ‘lean in’ to the lack of routine, the early nights and so on. It’s not something I need to fix for now.

    I visited Tony after work but he wasn’t feeling well. At 6.30 he said I needed to go home and cook my dinner, his way of saying he’s had enough. I reheated last night’s leftovers and cleaned up, then headed for my art desk.

    I’ve had a good play with paper and paint, but have still found myself in bed at 8.30. And it’s ok. I need to just lean in and do this. I also need to just sit with the “you should be busy” discomfort it causes me, because that desire for constant busyness is common in addicts. Here’s what I’ve been creating.

  • I’m not quite ready

    Since Tony went into the home I’ve been going to bed early quite often. Before, I’d go to bed about 10-10.30 but often I’m tucked up with the iPad, magazine, writing paper and a pen by 8.30. I’m not sleeping well though, waking in the night, probably out of habit from years of caregiving.

    I’ve said to a couple of people today that I need to just stay up, no matter how I feel or how cold it is, and get back to my usual routine. Hopefully doing more and being properly tired will help me sleep better.

    But you know what? I’m not ready for this to be normal. There’s a new normal ahead of me, but that’s not here yet either. I’m going to cut myself some slack and slide off to bed if I want to. The day will come when my old routine feels ok again, but today isn’t that day.

  • Opinions

    I’ve been reading some pieces on Twitter about politics, TERFs, the harm the Catholic Church has done over many decades / centuries, and the ocean being on fire in Mexico.

    I love Twitter; it’s a great professional network that I value. It’s also the place where I get most of my personal support. I’m much less honest on FB, for a number of reasons.

    But sweet baby cheezus there are some asshats out there. I worked with a woman once who I felt, if you fell face first in a puddle, would put her foot on your neck to make sure you drowned. Turns out, she’s not a one-off.

    It amazes me how little compassion and empathy is out there. It’s incredibly sad. A lot of the time I speak up against the shit opinions, especially around disability and the transgender community. Sometimes I let it go because I don’t have the energy. I think if we can speak up, we should, otherwise the haters win.