Tony came home for about 5 hours today, and we had a visit from his good friends Doris and Dan, and his brother Roger. The photo is an older one, when we met up with Doris & Dan in Hamilton.
We sorted all his clothes and labelled them – I have a pile to wash and take to the Op Shop. We have his funeral clothes chosen and put aside. He’s picked what ornaments etc he wants, things with special memories, and we’ve put them in his room. His new duvet is on his bed, and I’ve got a cork board to go on the wall so he can put photos up. The room is looking like his now.
Having Tony home was good, but also a bit stressful. I guess it’ll get easier over time? It reinforced how fragile his current relative wellness is, and how easily it could be unsettled. Still, while he can come home it’s nice for us to spend time together at the weekends – we need to make the most of these pockets of time together.
Today a group who use hate speech won the right, through the courts, to hold meetings in public venues run by local government in two NZ cities. I refuse to name them or give them any extra publicity. At a time when NZ is talking about hate speech, I am horrified at the message the court has sent. These TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists) should not be allowed this platform for their hate speech and violence.
As a librarian with almost 30 years experience I know the power of libraries a safe place for everyone. As a librarian, I have many peers around the country who are ‘all manner of rainbow’ and I value them as fellow professionals and thoroughly lovely people. As an artist, it’s the same thing – rainbow friends whose skills and talent I admire.
Then there’s me; white, middle class, ordinary – with a very rainbow family including a transgender great-nibling. When TERFs speak their hate they are talking about my family. It’s personal and it makes me angry. Incandescent with rage really.
What I don’t understand is their seemingly endless obsessive fascination with what other people’s have in their undies. I mean seriously! I don’t go through my day wondering if the people around me have a chest and penis, breasts and vagina, or some other mix. Who cares? Unless you’re looking for sexual contact, how is it any of your business?
This has been a terribly hard week for the transgender community for lots of reasons, so I’m sending love and support.
I woke up this morning with a scratchy throat, feeling dreadful. I sent my boss a text and went back to sleep until 11am. Do I have a cold or COVID? No. As I said to Fiona, I think it was just that I’d been away and had to trust things were ok, came back and saw for myself that Tony is doing well, got a few things sorted and then – with the pressure off – my body said stop! The reality is I’ve been living on my nerves, and little unbroken sleep, for probably a year.
I’m immensely grateful I was away when he went into permanent care and, as much as it hurts my heart, I can see how much better he is with 24/7 professional care. The picture below is Tony with a Puzzli puzzle I got him; I thought it would keep him busy for days … he was finished it in 3 hours.
I don’t have a great memory and freely admit it. I sometimes worry that my memories of Mum and Dad are sketchy – especially of Dad, who died 30 years ago. Some memories are mine alone, some are shared with other people. Tony and I have a lot of shared memories of Mum because we lived with her as caregivers for 14 years. Other memories are ones I share with my sister Ailsa, or my best friend Sandra (of both sets of parents).
I’ve just come back from 10 days in Hokitika with my friend Alan. His Dad and mine were good mates so I spent a lot of time on their farm as a child then teen. When we were teens they spent a lot of time at our Waverley Beach bach. We have a lot of shared memories and many of those memories involve Dad.
It got me thinking about why I love this photo so much. The most obvious reason is it’s my beloved Dad. Summer was always a happy time in my life; Mum and I stayed at the beach – Dad came down every night after work and we went swimming together. Dad was teaching me to ride his motorbike, which I loved, even after I had a wee accident on it! Dad’s in his shorts and a hat, so the weather is good and he’s relaxed. Oh, and I loved that red blouse & my jeans so much!
One photo, but so many clues and memories. No wonder I treasure my photo albums and scrapbooks ❤
My flight from Christchurch got into Palmerston North just before 8pm last night and I was home by 10pm. Alan and I had stopped for a pie for lunch at Arthur’s Pass on the way over from Hokitika, and then afternoon tea at the airport so I didn’t need to stop for dinner.
The house was warm (thanks Janet) but quiet and empty…my new normal. Goldie was delighted to see me and yelled at me for a bit before getting up on the bed beside me and dribbling a lot. I think, at 16, she’s got a bad tooth or two!
I popped in to see Tony quickly on my way to work – sometimes I won’t do normally – then spent almost 2 hours with him after work. We’ve ordered a shelf for his room to put bits and pieces on, and a new paint by numbers. At the rate he is painting them, we’ll going to end up papering his room with them 😉 We’ve ordered a duvet set to make his room look more like him – pale grey/blue satin isn’t really his thing.
I’ve come home and unpacked, done the washing & put it on the airframe in the lounge seeing I never go in there, cooked dinner, cleared the mail and then sat here thinking “ok, now what?”. Normally I’d be looking after Tony or, if he was particularly well, chatting with him. I don’t want to start the paper tonight and it feels too late to start some art.
Tony & I will settle into a new normal but who knows what it will look like. When we fell in love 30 years ago I didn’t imagine myself, at 56, visiting my husband in a rest home. We always said one day the 18 year age gap would bite, but somehow the reality is different.
He’s made friends with the resthome cat, and it pops in and out of his room regularly. He was tearful when I left tonight but, given it was my first day back after he went in 11 or so days ago, I think that was understandable. Overall, he’s looking much better than he did a few weeks back. With the anxiety of being home alone gone, he looks less frail, although he had another fall t the weekend. I’m sure some people are going to think he doesn’t need to be in a home but they are so, so wrong. Anyway, today was a small step towards a new normal. One step at a time…
Cath Sheard Art 