Cath Sheard Art

Author: Catherine Barker-Sheard

  • P!nk – Courage

    I’m still recording the music I love in my art journals. I enjoy the process, but also it tells people a lot about me. Music is a huge part of my life; I listen at home, in the car, at work, while I cook…
    This is P!nk’s Courage. It speaks to me because maintaining my weight loss means having the courage to face all the reasons I overeat. The courage to dig deep emotionally, face my fears, feel emotions instead of smothering them with food.
    This page is in my large Dylusions journal. Inks: Peony blush, Bubblegum Pink. Postbox red & White Linen. Paints: Peony blush & Funky fuschia. Stencils: Teardrops, Star struc &  Diamond in the rough. Stamps: Dy’s alphabet. Other: Archival ink, Distress ink, white gel pen.
    courage 20190602.jpg

  • When angels run interference

    Anyone who follows me knows I don’t believe in God but do believe there’s a universal power and that angels watch over me. Sometimes the angels run interference – like yesterday…

    Short version of long tale. Took Tony to Hamilton to see the specialist yesterday as his legs are so sore and swollen it’s affecting his mobility and quality of life. 3 out of 4 Drs were called away so they were running 90 minutes late, but it meant we saw Vasu, his main surgeon, not an understudy. He listened, understood, agreed with me that Tony’s heart and kidneys need checking – because everyone gets fixated on his legs. I said I was concerned we’d come home and be back to square one because our Drs are nice but not hearing me. Vasu said “no, you’re dealing with me from now on and I’ll speak to our top cardiologist”. He gave us an x-ray form, and said they’ll be in touch. Angels #1.

    While we were waiting, a woman came out of the ward and I was “omg it’s JEN!”. Jen R is doing a “kick ass battle” with cancer – to use her term – and was starting chemo last night. We’re online friends for various reasons but hadn’t met in person. I leapt up and hugged her hard, laughing, then hugged her some more.  Angels #2.

    Archangel Michael, you rock!

  • Off to the surgeon

    Some specialists are always going to be very formal, “Hi I’m Mr X”. Tomorrow we’re visiting Tony’s vascular surgeon in Waikato. He first operated on Tony in 2012 and has done 7, or is it 8, surgeries since then. We’re on first names basis with Vasu these days!

    Tony has peripheral vascular disease. He had a small clot removed in the 1990s and was good until 2012. The first surgery with Vasu was to remove a 20cm clot. He has a ‘fem fem crossover’ so basically an artificial artery that takes blood from his good leg, across his groin, and down into his bad leg ending up in his lower calf. The artificial artery has been cleaned out a couple of times and also replaced.

    His bad (left) leg is increasingly painful and swollen, and his good leg is playing copycat unfortunately. They can only fix one leg this way, so there’s not a lot can be done for the right leg. But, as always, we’re hopeful Vasu will have one more trick up his sleeve.

    Once ‘we can fix it’ surgeries are no longer an option we’re left with pain relief and eventually amputation either due to complete loss of circulation or if it’s the best option for quality of life. Hopefully that’s a long way off yet. In the meantime we’re looking for better pain control, and perhaps even remedial surgery. Fingers crossed.

    This photo is from his 2014 surgery.tonys-hand.jpg

  • No, it isn’t easy

    Trigger warning: abuse, weight loss surgery.

    I’m still recording the lyrics I love, this time it’s P!nk’s (Hey Why) Miss You Sometime. No doubt she was writing about a partner but, for me, this could easily be about food. Yes, food – chocolate, savouries, ice cream. OMG Sante Bars!

     

    miss you 20190603.jpg

    I had weight loss surgery, three years ago this September, and have lost over 70kg. It probably saved my life. But here’s the thing – I’m still a food addict. Surgery is a tool, not a cure. The line “thousand nights I’ve said goodbye, almost lost my mind”. That’s me and chocolate. Chocolate is my answer to grief, pain, shame, embarrassment, loss, fear, boredom, loneliness; anything and everything.

    For me, food does two things. It smothers my emotions, and I’ll do anything to avoid feeling emotions. I’ve lived most of my life carefully flat. And, as an addict, certain food gives me a dopamine hit and my brain lights up with sheer joy. That’s the hard truth of it.

    On book I’ve read on addiction suggests pain and shame is at the heart of all addictions. For me, the pain and shame stems from low-level but damaging abuse as a kid by a friend of my father, and an abusive first marriage. Now’s not the time to write more about it, just putting it out there and parking it for now.

    Despite the weight loss surgery, and a lot of work on “fixing my head”, maintaining a healthy weight will be a lifelong journey for me. If you think weight loss surgery is an easy out, think again.

    And, to finish. I love people, love people’s bodies and think all bodies should be honoured – including fat ones. I don’t hate fat bodies, far from it. My father died of a heart attack at 65, Mum died slowly over more than a decade – my decision to have surgery was to try and avoid what happened to them, and a recognition that I could never lose weight on my own. I have *no* judgment of other people’s bodies.

  • In catch-up mode

    I was away last weekend, heading home from the Museums Aotearoa conference, so didn’t do my usual weekly Dylusions Dyary page. I’ve done two today, catching up, and printed the wee photos using my HP Sprocket. No the colours aren’t always true, and they probably won’t last decades but this is hardly a museum quality piece anyway! As a scrapbooker I am happy to have some things archival and others not so much…

    Sorry about the photo straight up my nose but there was no other way for me to capture the bruise on my throat given I was on my own at the time.

    I used Dylusions paints and stencils, and a couple of random pens.

    dyary 20190526dyary 20190602