Cath Sheard Art

Tag: love

  • Saying goodbye

    Yesterday we held a small, private service for Tony, attended by family, close friends, some of his ex-colleagues and my work family. It was recorded so people who couldn’t attend are able to watch online.

    His daughter Yasmine, son Ben, brother Roger and I were comforted by the memories shared, and love in the room.

    Music was important to Tony – when he was struggling with pain I’d put his headphones on and he’d fall asleep to the music. In the final days when nothing seemed to get him comfortable, and he was too generally sore to wear headphones, I put the radio on and he settled a bit.

    Tony had chosen two songs – Beautiful trauma by Pink and The Ghosts that haunt me by The Crash Test Dummies. I added a third, Guide me home, sung by Freddie Mercury and Monserrat Caballe from the Barcelona album which he loved.

    I want to finish this with some of the lyrics from two of those songs, but before I do there’s one last thought I want to share. While we were planning the service Kelly, from Hardings Funerals, said to people don’t understand until it happens that, in the moment the coffin closes or they leave the service, their loved one becomes an ancestor.

    And so it is with me. After 33 years, in an instant, Tony became my late husband and, to use Kelly’s words, that’s a pivotal moment. Rest in peace Tony – in the words of the poem I read, you continue to be my star, my dear.

    From ‘The ghosts that haunt me’

    There will come a time I fear when all my days are done
    And they will come collect my corpse and bury me
    And then I hope you’ll come over to the Other Side
    To join me in our new life, keep me company

    From ‘Guide me home’

    Now the wind has lost my sail
    Now the scent has left my trail
    Who will find me, take care and side with me
    Guide me back safely to my home
    Where I belong, once more

    Where is my star in heaven’s bough
    Where is my strength, I need it now
    Who can save me, lead me to my destiny
    Guide me back safely to my home
    Where I belong, once more

    Who will find me, take care and side with me
    Guide me back safely to my home
    Where I belong, once more

    How can I go on?
    How can I go on this way

  • Out of my head, onto paper

    Out of my head, onto paper

    This has been a rough week for various reasons, so a day of pouring out my heart and head into my art journals has been good for me. I don’t sleep well some of the time, and when things are rough I tend to have bad dreams. I process everything that’s going in complicated dreams, often with my long-dead parents in them. I haven’t been doing that this week, but have been very wakeful, so hopefully getting lots of thoughts down in my art journals – many unreadable – will help settle my brain a bit! People say art is cheaper than a therapist, but I’m not sure they’ve seen my journal and paint supplies 😉

  • 7 years: a second ago, & forever

    It’s 7 years today since Mum died. She was very ready to die and we knew that. Ailsa and some of her family were here, by coincidence, and we spent the last 36 hours by her bedside at the home.

    Released with love? Yes. Grateful she could finally let go? Yes. But…

    Tony and I were Mum’s caregivers for 14 years, so Mum was a big part of my adult life. I miss her company. I miss telling her random stuff about my day. I miss reading to her from A A Milne, or new picture books that I think would make her laugh. She loved the ‘Walter the farting dog’ series.

    We bought her a hospital bed and it had a wonderful memory foam mattress – I used to nap on it in the sun on a Sunday afternoon while she snoozed in her lazyboy chair. Mum sometimes said, as I held her hand to cross the road, that we’d swapped roles from when I was a toddler, and that was true. But as she watched over me while I napped, she was the caregiver again.

    My brain is always restless for a couple of weeks prior to today’s anniversary. It’s not as awful as it was the first few years, when I had disturbing dreams. Once today is over, I come right.

    Someone asked me, kindly, last night if there was some guilt I need to let go of? Maybe – Mum had wanted to die at home, but spent 6 months in the rest home (of her own choosing). Or perhaps it’s just that today marks a massive change in my life and the restlessness is my way of acknowledging that.

    Either way, I miss you Mum. I’m pleased we had those 14 years together. It was hard work, but I got time with you most daughters don’t get, and that’s a privilege in today’s busy world. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

     

  • Another week almost done & dusted

    I love recording life’s wee details in my Dylusions dyary. I’ve never kept a ‘proper’ diary but this format suits me; a bit of art, a couple of photos, and whatever I want to record. Sometimes it’s day by day, sometimes one event needs the whole page; this week, it’s all about family, love and loss. Hug the people you love…

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  • Love is love

    I talked with a friend today about love and friendship, and responded to a FaceBook post about gay and lesbian love. My comment, as always; love is love.

    I sometimes comment to my staff that there’s infinite variety in the human condition. We don’t all share the same taste in music, shoes or tattoos, thank goodness. And we don’t all want the same things in a partner or lover – thank goodness again!

    Tonight I talked to my brother-in-law about a past unrequited love, and the way his feelings for the person have changed over time. Sometimes passion is fleeting – burning bright then burning out – other passions transcend time and what life throws at us along the way.

    Time and life’s challenges change us too. We age, get sick, need something different from our partners than when we were younger. That’s just life it’s ok. It’s still love.

    You love a man? Great. A woman? Nice. A man *and* a woman? Good on you! If we spent more time loving others and less time worrying about what others do, the world might be a safer and happier place. Love is love.

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