Love and loss

Alan’s Mum and Dad moved from their farm to a house on the outskirts of Hāwera, then eventually to a rest home suite after Ian’s dementia made staying home unsafe. Oddly, it was the same suite I bought for Aunt J when I moved her into care due to dementia about 16 years ago.

Alan’s Dad passed away 6 years ago, in late July. Yesterday I spent the afternoon with Mary as she’d suddenly deteriorated. She was sleeping comfortably thanks to good drug control. I sat with her, talking to her occasionally, and keeping my hands busy with an art journal. I intended going back today but early this morning Mary died peacefully.

I’ve known them almost my whole life. Dad and Ian were friends – they hunted together and Dad went out to the farm as often as he could. He loved helping with outdoor work, especially things like haymaking. Mary used to say that I was about 2 when we started visiting them.

I don’t have a lot of memories from my childhood, but I do remember sleeping in a big bed with a pink floral bedspread when I stayed at the farm as small child. I mentioned it to one of Alan’s family members once, and they paused and said, “You think that was MaryRose’s bed, but it wasn’t. It was Mum and Dad’s, and no one got to sleep in it!

It’s a particularly lovely memory because Ian was one of the few men who I trusted wholeheartedly. Mary has waited a long time to join Ian. I’m pleased she’s finally reunited with him, Lyall, Robbie, and her other family members. Rest in peace, Mary.

Footnote: it was hard sitting with her yesterday. It’s only 8 months since Tony died and it was all too familiar. But we only grieve because we love, and it’s a privilege to be with people in their final days if you have it in you. Not everyone can, and that’s ok…