Cath Sheard Art

Blog

  • If you can’t say it

    What cannot be said will be wept. Attributed to Sappho.

    If I could say it in words there would be no reason to paint. Edward Hopper.

    Every work of art stems from a wound in the soul of the artist. Ted Hughes.

    These quotes speak to me to my soul. I paint because it’s good for me and because I can say in my art journals the things I have no words for – or the words I can’t speak. Words are tricky things for me. I can talk a good talk (to quote Shane Koyczan) but there are topics I can’t verbalise on, and words I just can’t say. A lot of addicts are the same; it’s our old foe, shame!

    I read poetry, and sometimes use it in my art. Of course what we take from poetry is subjective too. What I read and feel, and what someone else takes from it might be quite different.

    It’s the same with art, and journal pages. The meaning might be clear to me – or not – but it’s up to the viewer to find their own meaning in it. Even when the meaning is unclear, making art and sharing it is always an act of putting your soul on display. And, for some of us anyway, our pain…

    At the Legato Exhibition in Italy, 2010, with the NZ Ambassador.

  • Lean in

    A few years ago I read “Lean in” by Sheryl Sandberg , Chief Operating Officer of Facebook. I don’t agree with everything in the book, but the concept of leaning in has its uses. Last night I wrote about my struggle to set a new routine.

    Today I’ve realised I can ‘lean in’ to the lack of routine, the early nights and so on. It’s not something I need to fix for now.

    I visited Tony after work but he wasn’t feeling well. At 6.30 he said I needed to go home and cook my dinner, his way of saying he’s had enough. I reheated last night’s leftovers and cleaned up, then headed for my art desk.

    I’ve had a good play with paper and paint, but have still found myself in bed at 8.30. And it’s ok. I need to just lean in and do this. I also need to just sit with the “you should be busy” discomfort it causes me, because that desire for constant busyness is common in addicts. Here’s what I’ve been creating.

  • I’m not quite ready

    Since Tony went into the home I’ve been going to bed early quite often. Before, I’d go to bed about 10-10.30 but often I’m tucked up with the iPad, magazine, writing paper and a pen by 8.30. I’m not sleeping well though, waking in the night, probably out of habit from years of caregiving.

    I’ve said to a couple of people today that I need to just stay up, no matter how I feel or how cold it is, and get back to my usual routine. Hopefully doing more and being properly tired will help me sleep better.

    But you know what? I’m not ready for this to be normal. There’s a new normal ahead of me, but that’s not here yet either. I’m going to cut myself some slack and slide off to bed if I want to. The day will come when my old routine feels ok again, but today isn’t that day.

  • Opinions

    I’ve been reading some pieces on Twitter about politics, TERFs, the harm the Catholic Church has done over many decades / centuries, and the ocean being on fire in Mexico.

    I love Twitter; it’s a great professional network that I value. It’s also the place where I get most of my personal support. I’m much less honest on FB, for a number of reasons.

    But sweet baby cheezus there are some asshats out there. I worked with a woman once who I felt, if you fell face first in a puddle, would put her foot on your neck to make sure you drowned. Turns out, she’s not a one-off.

    It amazes me how little compassion and empathy is out there. It’s incredibly sad. A lot of the time I speak up against the shit opinions, especially around disability and the transgender community. Sometimes I let it go because I don’t have the energy. I think if we can speak up, we should, otherwise the haters win.

  • Baby steps

    I said earlier this week I was making changes because life felt shitty. I’m now coming home from work, closing up the house and putting the heater on in my office, getting changed, leaving a light on – then going to see Tony. That way I don’t come home to a totally cold, dark house.

    Today I used some FlyBuys points to get a small slow cooker. I can prep containers of meat, veg and sauce at the weekend. On a weekday morning throw one in the slow cooker as I leave for work and when I get home from visiting Tony there’ll be hot food ready for me. It’ll still make two or three night’s food, but that suits me fine.

    Tonight I took some photos up to put on Tony’s wall, at his request. They made him tearful, but that’s ok. Marlow, the home’s cat, came in through his ranch slider and let Tony pick her up. She’s a Ragdoll but not very cuddly!