Cath Sheard Art

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  • Off to the surgeon

    Some specialists are always going to be very formal, “Hi I’m Mr X”. Tomorrow we’re visiting Tony’s vascular surgeon in Waikato. He first operated on Tony in 2012 and has done 7, or is it 8, surgeries since then. We’re on first names basis with Vasu these days!

    Tony has peripheral vascular disease. He had a small clot removed in the 1990s and was good until 2012. The first surgery with Vasu was to remove a 20cm clot. He has a ‘fem fem crossover’ so basically an artificial artery that takes blood from his good leg, across his groin, and down into his bad leg ending up in his lower calf. The artificial artery has been cleaned out a couple of times and also replaced.

    His bad (left) leg is increasingly painful and swollen, and his good leg is playing copycat unfortunately. They can only fix one leg this way, so there’s not a lot can be done for the right leg. But, as always, we’re hopeful Vasu will have one more trick up his sleeve.

    Once ‘we can fix it’ surgeries are no longer an option we’re left with pain relief and eventually amputation either due to complete loss of circulation or if it’s the best option for quality of life. Hopefully that’s a long way off yet. In the meantime we’re looking for better pain control, and perhaps even remedial surgery. Fingers crossed.

    This photo is from his 2014 surgery.tonys-hand.jpg

  • No, it isn’t easy

    Trigger warning: abuse, weight loss surgery.

    I’m still recording the lyrics I love, this time it’s P!nk’s (Hey Why) Miss You Sometime. No doubt she was writing about a partner but, for me, this could easily be about food. Yes, food – chocolate, savouries, ice cream. OMG Sante Bars!

     

    miss you 20190603.jpg

    I had weight loss surgery, three years ago this September, and have lost over 70kg. It probably saved my life. But here’s the thing – I’m still a food addict. Surgery is a tool, not a cure. The line “thousand nights I’ve said goodbye, almost lost my mind”. That’s me and chocolate. Chocolate is my answer to grief, pain, shame, embarrassment, loss, fear, boredom, loneliness; anything and everything.

    For me, food does two things. It smothers my emotions, and I’ll do anything to avoid feeling emotions. I’ve lived most of my life carefully flat. And, as an addict, certain food gives me a dopamine hit and my brain lights up with sheer joy. That’s the hard truth of it.

    On book I’ve read on addiction suggests pain and shame is at the heart of all addictions. For me, the pain and shame stems from low-level but damaging abuse as a kid by a friend of my father, and an abusive first marriage. Now’s not the time to write more about it, just putting it out there and parking it for now.

    Despite the weight loss surgery, and a lot of work on “fixing my head”, maintaining a healthy weight will be a lifelong journey for me. If you think weight loss surgery is an easy out, think again.

    And, to finish. I love people, love people’s bodies and think all bodies should be honoured – including fat ones. I don’t hate fat bodies, far from it. My father died of a heart attack at 65, Mum died slowly over more than a decade – my decision to have surgery was to try and avoid what happened to them, and a recognition that I could never lose weight on my own. I have *no* judgment of other people’s bodies.

  • In catch-up mode

    I was away last weekend, heading home from the Museums Aotearoa conference, so didn’t do my usual weekly Dylusions Dyary page. I’ve done two today, catching up, and printed the wee photos using my HP Sprocket. No the colours aren’t always true, and they probably won’t last decades but this is hardly a museum quality piece anyway! As a scrapbooker I am happy to have some things archival and others not so much…

    Sorry about the photo straight up my nose but there was no other way for me to capture the bruise on my throat given I was on my own at the time.

    I used Dylusions paints and stencils, and a couple of random pens.

    dyary 20190526dyary 20190602

     

  • #BlogJune

    For the last few years I have joined #BlogJune on Twitter. It’s one of those challenges that you can do, sort of do or even not do, and no one minds.

    I’ve previously posted from my professional blog but – for all kinds of reasons – I’m not using that for now. With my library blog, I find regular writing is good for thinking about issues, but I’m not currently sharing those thoughts with the wider profession. 

    I like #BlogJune because it gets me posting more regularly. My focus this year is art, family, health, disability etc so I’m going to try and post once a day on this blog instead. Sometimes it’ll be an image from my art journals, other posts will be about our changing lives, or what the pets are doing – so a mix of miscellaneous nonsense and the occasional deep and (hopefully) meaningful ramble.

    If you want to join in, go for it. You don’t need to be on Twitter, you can just write and post the link anywhere with the hashtag and people are bound to find you. Following the hashtag can be a fun way to find new people to follow too. 

     

    zz blog

  • This week’s dyary

    I do a page in my Dylusions Dyary every week – sometimes it’s day by day, other times it’s only one or two topics. This week is a mix. I love this format because it’s whatever you want it to be. I used Dylusions stencils and paints, and Posca and Tombow pens. The photos are printed using an HP Sprocket, so they are sticky-backed.

    dyary 20190519.jpg