Cath Sheard Art

Blog

  • Opening up old wounds

    Sometimes you have to open up old wounds if they’ve never really healed. It’s hard and it hurts but, ultimately, it’s the only way to heal and move on. I had a message from my best friend of 50+ years last night, Sandra, talking about my infertility and some of the stuff that happened. I won’t share our conversation, or what prompted it, but that kind of honesty is gold and I’d expect nothing less from her. She has my back, and always has had.

    I’m starting to journal out my deepest thoughts about my miscarriages and all the things that went along with being infertile when everyone around me was having babies; the impact on my marriage, the people I loved and who loved me. Some of this is really shitty so I have written on the canvas in such a way that it’s unreadable – but my heart and soul know what’s written there when I look at it. As is often the case, the images might not mean a lot to other people, but each one has meaning for me. 

    These wounds are deep (deeper than I have ever before acknowledged, even to myself). It’s going to take more than one or two journal pages and paintings to work through it, but I feel like I’m finally on the journey. Thank you for being part of it by listening. 

    my angel babies.jpg

  • Dealing with the hard stuff

    Sometimes the planets align, and they are at the moment. It’s difficult and confronting but has to be done. I realised there are a couple of issues I haven’t dealt with in terms of my food addiction and one of those is all the babies I lost to miscarriage in the 80s. The other issue is one I am not ready to talk about with anyone but I am quietly dealing with it in my own way.

    How have the planets aligned? More and more of the people around me are becoming grandparents, which increases my awareness of my childlessness. I’ve had a few people, quite randomly, talk to me recently about their own miscarriages or stillbirths. I’ve read some stuff seemingly by accident. I was going through my weight loss journal looking at the pre-surgery psych work and on the page about my babies I had started to journal then had written ” I can’t write more for now” and never completed it. And so on.

    I sometimes go to Hawera Cemetery in my lunch hour. I tell myself it’s because it’s green, quiet and there are very few people around. I realised this week, talking to someone I trust who has also has the surgery, that I go there to be near the memorial stone for angel babies.

    Today I was talking to one of my staff about this and I said “well, I always lost the babies very early on so it wasn’t a big deal” or words to that effect. And it struck me … I have been telling myself that lie for more than 26 years. Because each time there was a baby, and each time I did face the loss. The loss of a future child, birthdays, weddings, grandchildren and so on.

    How am I dealing with it? I have my final appointment with the weight loss clinic psychologist soon because it’s 2 years since my surgery, so will talk to her. But I am also journaling a lot, dreaming and not sleeping, removing myself from social media a bit to give myself space, hugging my husband and just letting all the feelings come through. What I know for sure, to quote Oprah, is that I am dealing with this so it never derails my weight loss, and stops beings something I lie to myself about – it did hurt, and it does matter. Thanks for listening!

    a9d68fdceeaedc9e17c278c3d2adc997--angel-babies-baby-boy.jpg

  • Art is good for me

    Art is good for me

    Spending time creating is good for me. Sure, I can go for weeks without creating, but I’ll get a bit ‘down’ and restless. The solution, especially if I feel tired and like it’s all too hard, is to create regardless. Pretty soon I’m sparking again!

    This weekend I have spent a lot of time at my art desk and it’s perked me up. I was feeling ok, but now I feel rested even though I’ve had no actual rest…

    I won’t describe products, journal etc – it’s my usual mix of Dina Wakley, Tim Holtz, Dyan Reaveley and Ranger.

    small journal 04082018dina w journal 1 05082018dina w journal 05082018dina wakley journal 05082018week 31small journal 05082018dw journal 05082018

     

  • Catching up on my art

    Well, really not so much forgot, as life got in the way. Long story and not worth sharing. But I *have* been arting when I can. And coughing, I’ve been doing a lot of coughing.

    Pages in my Dylisions and Dina Wakley albums using Distress & Dylusions paints, stencils including Tim Holtz, Dylusions Dyary stickers and rubber stamps, ephemera, white gel pen, silver and gold Nuvo Mousse, Dina Wakley washi tape, Dina Wakley stamps.

    dina wakley 20180715small journal 2018-07-15week 27week 28

  • Mum’s birthday

    Mum was born on 30 June 1924 at Bethany Home in Auckland, and stayed with her mother till she has a toddler. We don’t know why her mother, Angela, eventually had to give her up. I wish we had met her, she sounds such a character. We are fortunate to know Angela through her son John (Mum’s half-brother) and his family.

    Mum would have been 94 today, not an age she had any great desire to get to. Mum didn’t romanticize old age; she talked about it being hard work and used to say that Dad, who died suddenly at 65 while out fishing, “got it exactly right, but a decade too soon”.  When Mum died in 2012 she was ready to leave this earth, and we let her go with love.

    Mum shared her birth date with John’s ex-wife Liz – birthday twins, as I called them. So happy birthday Liz. I’m sure Mum is watching over us all.

    Happy birthday Mum – you are loved and missed, but released with love too.